Pisces – Feb 19 – Mar 20 You better put that suitcase away. Spring break is still a little ways off.
Aries – Mar 21 – Apr 19 If you tell, you’re going to burn on the lake of fire for all eternity. That’s a long time.
Taurus – Apr 20 – May 20 You’re making something out of nothing. Why do you have to be such a jerk about it?
Gemini – May 21 – Jun 20 No room for the college graduate in this economy. Good thing you are going back to school.
Cancer – Jun 21 – July 22 Take it easy. Relax. You’re okay. Do you understand? No, that’s why there are free tutors on campus. Go find one before midterms are upon you.
Leo – July 23 – Aug 22 There’s something very wrong here. What if it holds some sort of clue? It might not matter.
Virgo – Aug 23 – Sep 22 A time of tribulation has come. A test is at hand. Hope you studied.
Libra – Sep 23 – Oct 22 No room for people who watch public television. In this state, your television had better be fair and balanced.
Scorpio – Oct 23 – Nov 21 You’re rewriting the whole thing or just the parts that suit your needs. The Writing Center could probably proof it for you.
Sagittarius – Nov 22 – Dec 21 Any religion without love and compassion is false.
Capricorn – Dec 22 – Jan 19 He who walks behind the rows seeth all, and a child shall lead them.
Aquarius – Jan 20 – Feb 18 No room for commitment unless you have already got that signing bonus, in which case, good luck.
Horrorscope is a parody meant for entertainment only proving that the universe doesn’t revolve around you. “The Globe” denies any resemblance to anything living or dead. It’s okay if things get a little corny, but our grocery stores have gone too far.