Pisces – Feb 19 – Mar 20 If you are going to score, you better work on that jump shot.
Aries – Mar 21 – Apr 19 It’s a good thing when the bouncer says, “Gotta see your I.D., sport.” Except maybe the sport part … oh, and if you aren’t really old enough to get in.
Taurus – Apr 20 – May 20 With magnetic shoes, you’d be the king of urban surfin’ or the queen – whatever suits your style
Gemini – May 21 – Jun 20 There is a lot to learn from losing, but you wouldn’t know anything about that. Winner! Winner! Chicken Dinner!
Cancer – Jun 21 – July 22 Never play cards with a guy whose first name is a city, and never go near a lady who’s got a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Stick with that, and everything else is cream cheese.
Leo – July 23 – Aug 22 Being what you are is not without its problems, but it’s not all bad either.
Virgo – Aug 23 – Sep 22 Two minutes. Anything goes, and don’t disappoint us.
Libra – Sep 23 – Oct 22 It doesn’t matter how you play the game, it’s whether you win or lose, and even that doesn’t make all that much difference.
Scorpio – Oct 23 – Nov 21 Don’t worry about that. It’s something we all go through.
Sagittarius – Nov 22 – Dec 21 An explanation is probably long overdue. It’s not as bad as it looks.
Capricorn – Dec 22 – Jan 19 When you want it, you are going to have great power, and with great power comes greater responsibility.
Aquarius – Jan 20 – Feb 18 There’s something different about you… Did you change your hair?
Horrorscope is a parody meant for entertainment only proving that the universe doesn’t revolve around you. “The Globe” denies any resemblance to anything living or dead. Look homeward, angel.