It’s that time of year, again, when cupid flits around on satin wings hitting everyone around you with arrows whose heart shaped tips create the most nauseating of all illnesses – love.
This is the only emotion that allows people to think that it is okay to call other perfectly sane adults by frou-frou names like honey dewbottoms and purple snupple plumps. (Try calling an un-consenting coworker a name like that and see how quickly you get hit with a harassment suit.)
As you watch your friends succumb to the whims of brain cells that have long ceased any useful functions, you may feel a little down and think to yourself, “Man, I am screwed.” Unfortunately, the point is that you are not.
You are instead alone in a world made for two, in a state where the pressure to be married is enough to turn the black coal of your heart to diamond, at a time when the greeting card companies, flower delivery businesses and chocolatiers are counting on you to prop up their bottom line for the rest of the year.
In fact, the only true love that is courted during the holiday that celebrates a man who kicked snakes out of Ireland, is the love of money, which is the root of all evil. It seems like the snake may have had the last laugh after all.
While those around you are planning cute ways to express their undying love for someone they met anywhere from a day ago to a lifetime ago, you will want to plan to get away from social media and commercials. Sabotaging your friends’ love might seem like a good idea, but getting twitterpated comes natural to most of the world.
Revel in your preternatural self, let go of the ties that bind and head out to find Cupid, and when you see him sitting on a barstool drinking his loneliness away, hit him over the head with a bottle, knock him off the barstool and kick him while he’s down. Then explain to him why he should be a conscientious objector when it comes to love.
If you happen to be one of the few who are in love, then you might want to see what my good friend Rachael has to say. Just be sure to have a toothbrush around, she is sugar-coated candy goodness. Oh, and try to have a Happy Valentine’s Day without rubbing it in the faces of those who are by themselves, you ninny.