Aries – Mar 21 – Apr 19 Is winning all that you care about? It’s the only standard of excellence left.
Taurus – Apr 20 – May 20 Looks like an easy score – it’s always best to start small – never comes easy.
Gemini – May 21 – Jun 20 Everything looks perfect. You’re very good at what you do.
Cancer – Jun 21 – July 22 Don’t you ever take off that mask? It is about time to do so.
Leo – July 23 – Aug 22 Do you think this is your turn to be first and foremost? It’s the lion. Happy New Year.
Virgo – Aug 23 – Sep 22 Never before in history have the masses forgone all comfort so that the spirit of genius might thrive and seek the golden key to a new time of plenty in the fertile field of minority privilege.
Libra – Sep 23 – Oct 22 Worried about air pollution? Turn off the engine – stop the car. Then call your governor and legislators on the Hill.
Scorpio – Oct 23 – Nov 21 What is that? Euthanasia Day at the geriatrics hospital – they do it every year. It’s just more subtle than you think.
Sagittarius – Nov 22 – Dec 21 Anybody who is unhappy with happiness can move someplace else.
Capricorn – Dec 22 – Jan 19 There are no more rebels down there getting more secret instructions from the lunatic fringe – instead the lunatic fringe has moved into the government.
Aquarius – Jan 20 – Feb 18 Can you tell us when you are going to make your move? The world is waiting.
Pisces – Feb 19 – Mar 20 Remember you’re doing this on your own. Start the jam and get to it.
Horrorscope is a parody meant for entertainment only proving that the universe doesn’t revolve around you. “The Globe” denies any resemblance to anything living or dead. It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s making sure you don’t get run over.