Aries – Mar 21 – Apr 19 You gotta get your grades up if you are going to get into a good college.
Taurus – Apr 20 – May 20 You’ll need a #2 pencil. Please don’t go outside the circles.
Gemini – May 21 – Jun 20 If you want to pass this course, you better hand in another paper besides this one and do it properly.
Cancer – Jun 21 – July 22 Look at all of these books. It’s going to take you weeks to get through all of this information unless you had someone who could do the research with you.
Leo – July 23 – Aug 22 What you need in your life is more discipline. You’ll find spending time with the elderly very rewarding.
Virgo – Aug 23 – Sep 22 Gotta work a second job with the economy being what it is. Quite frankly, the working person’s place in the workforce is always at risk.
Libra – Sep 23 – Oct 22 When you graduate at the end of this year, what do you want to do? Everyone else your age has realized that it’s time to start planning their lives.
Scorpio – Oct 23 – Nov 21 If you continue in this fashion, you’ll be the first student to ever fail gymnasium class in the history of square buildings with wooden floors.
Sagittarius – Nov 22 – Dec 21 You’re going to have to do better in school, and you’re going to have to dress better.
Capricorn – Dec 22 – Jan 19 You have no idea what you are going to do with the rest of your life. This behavior is abnormal, but why be like everyone else?
Aquarius – Jan 20 – Feb 18 What’s in the book? Anything interesting? How would you know if you haven’t even opened it? You paid for it; you should read it.
Pisces – Feb 19 – Mar 20 Your grade in this class hinges on this paper. You’re on the right track now.
Horrorscope is a parody meant for entertainment only proving that the universe doesn’t revolve around you. “The Globe” denies any resemblance to anything living, dead or undead. Lost and found is in the boiler room because, of course, it is.