Aries – Mar 21 – Apr 19 Look at them stars. They were clearer back in the old days. That was before the air pollution choked you and them out of existence.
Taurus – Apr 20 – May 20 There’s something special about “This Old House.” Can’t you feel it?
Gemini – May 21 – Jun 20 You got a problem here, but hey, like with every problem, you don’t want to let it get the best of you.
Cancer – Jun 21 – July 22 You better pack your ass in a suitcase and head for Panama. Leave while you can.
Leo – July 23 – Aug 22 Anything’s possible when you’re in love, so get there already and do the impossible.
Virgo – Aug 23 – Sep 22 When the Aztecs buried their dead, they wrapped the bodies in several layers of cloth, and they surrounded them with their weapons and jewels.
Libra – Sep 23 – Oct 22 If you get a picture of this thing, I’d love to see it. Email it to contest.globe@slcc.edu.
Scorpio – Oct 23 – Nov 21 Hold on a second, will you? It looks like you are going to need the help of a professional.
Sagittarius – Nov 22 – Dec 21 No one wants to read about the Vietnam War anymore; they want to read a good horror story.
Capricorn – Dec 22 – Jan 19 No sense in having a gun if you don’t load at one time or another.
Aquarius – Jan 20 – Feb 18 Solitude is always better with someone else around.
Pisces – Feb 19 – Mar 20 Why do you sneak around like that? It’s going to be great—like Tony the Tiger great.
Horrorscope is a parody meant for entertainment only proving that the universe doesn’t revolve around you. “The Globe” denies any resemblance to anything living, dead or undead. You can’t go home again.