Aries – Mar 21 – Apr 19 You gotta learn that Halloween is fake ghosts, fake vampires, fake witches… Everything is fake.
Taurus – Apr 20 – May 20 You might be thinking “I got a rock.” That’s good if you are going to a concert or a party, not so good if you are looking in your Halloween treat bag.
Gemini – May 21 – Jun 20 It is through the recitation of the books passages that the dark spirit is given license to possess the living. Included here are the phonetic pronunciations of those passages because that sounds like a good idea.
Cancer – Jun 21 – July 22 Stealing from the blind, huh? How sweet of you. It is Halloween; why not take candy from a baby next?
Leo – July 23 – Aug 22 Things got real hectic, but why are you stopping now? Get ahead and miss the hectic part of next week.
Virgo – Aug 23 – Sep 22 If you had a little trouble with the scissors, just remember that sometimes it’s better to look like a potato.
Libra – Sep 23 – Oct 22 It’s probably nothing, but just possibly it’s the doorway to another world. Knock and see who answers.
Scorpio – Oct 23 – Nov 21 There’s a way, but the trees—they know. They’re alive. Tease them, and you could get apples thrown at you.
Sagittarius – Nov 22 – Dec 21 Take a look. It’s probably just some animal.
Capricorn – Dec 22 – Jan 19 It might not be that bad. It might be real nice. It’s probably a real pit, but you should keep your hopes up until reality proves you wrong.
Aquarius – Jan 20 – Feb 18 Your salvation lies there in the pages of the book.
Pisces – Feb 19 – Mar 20 This is going to be the best scare ever.
Horrorscope is a parody meant for entertainment only proving that the universe doesn’t revolve around you. “The Globe” denies any resemblance to anything living, dead or undead. Words have power even if you don’t know what they mean. Get dictionary; it will help.