Aries – Mar 21 – Apr 19 Ain’t that real nice? You pulling him in the wagon. He ain’t heavy; he’s your brother.
Taurus – Apr 20 – May 20 A man grows what he can, and then he tends it, because what you buy is what you own, and what you own always comes home to you.
Gemini – May 21 – Jun 20 You’re thinking thoughts best not thought of. What you been thinking of, it’s been done before. It didn’t turn out well.
Cancer – Jun 21 – July 22 You should never have been left alone with her. She was probably clinically insane by then.
Leo – July 23 – Aug 22 Don’t stop. If you stop, you’ll crash through for sure.
Virgo – Aug 23 – Sep 22 Go on. Lie down. Play dead. It isn’t the best way to face your problems, but it works for opossums.
Libra – Sep 23 – Oct 22 Different people believe all sorts of different things. Some believe in heaven or hell. Some think we come back as little children, and some think we just wink out like a candle flame when the wind blows hard.
Scorpio – Oct 23 – Nov 21 You got to do it yourself. Each buries his own.
Sagittarius – Nov 22 – Dec 21 See? It’s just imagination. Everyone is creative; they just need to get back to their inner child. Everyone includes you.
Capricorn – Dec 22 – Jan 19 The barrier is not to be crossed. The ground is sour. Time for you to take flight.
Aquarius – Jan 20 – Feb 18 You’re going to be as happy as a clam. Are clams really happy?
Pisces – Feb 19 – Mar 20 It’s wrong. What happened to you is wrong. You can scream “NO FAIR,” but that is just going to make people think you don’t like carnivals. Things will be fine.
Horrorscope is a parody meant for entertainment only proving that the universe doesn’t revolve around you. “The Globe” denies any resemblance to anything living, dead or undead. It’s misspelled, but that’s what it says.