Aries – Mar 21 – Apr 19 You said you stopped. That was an act of will. You can do it again.
Taurus – Apr 20 – May 20 There will come a day when you believe in something, and you will regret this deal you have made tonight.
Gemini – May 21 – Jun 20 Listen to the music. Empty your mind. Don’t think of anything; just feel the music. If you haven’t gotten your free massage from Health and Wellness Services, call and make an appointment.
Cancer – Jun 21 – July 22 When there’s a problem, it should be taken care of. Ignoring it will just make it worse, not make it go away.
Leo – July 23 – Aug 22 Drive all doubt from your hearts. Happiness forever is within our reach. Unlimited power is ours.
Virgo – Aug 23 – Sep 22 We are not animals. We have choices. We are not slaves to destiny. We can change what we do, who we become.
Libra – Sep 23 – Oct 22 Life, death; happy, sad; pleasure, pain – it’s all the same. Choose wisely; avoid electronics.
Scorpio – Oct 23 – Nov 21 Why be like the rest of the suckers? You can have the power to express what you feel inside as long as you embrace it.
Sagittarius – Nov 22 – Dec 21 Chance is a blind goddess. We live in a random, chaotic universe. Chaos thrives on the impossible.
Capricorn – Dec 22 – Jan 19 You always give them exactly what they want; they always want to take it back. Just be sure to include the receipt.
Aquarius – Jan 20 – Feb 18 Art – It’s all form, no substance. Make sure that what you are doing has some meaning.
Pisces – Feb 19 – Mar 20 Music will soothe the savage beast. Play me some Wagner. There’s more blood in it.
Horrorscope is a parody meant for entertainment only proving that the universe doesn’t revolve around you. “The Globe” denies any resemblance to anything living, dead or undead. Just sign it. It really is just a formality.