Aries – Mar 21 – Apr 19 Are you sure the money’s still there? With identity theft all the rage, you may want to check your bank account again before you make that big purchase.
Taurus – Apr 20 – May 20 If your dog was dead, we’d have us a country song. Fortunately, things are looking decidedly up. You are moving into bubblegum pop territory.
Gemini – May 21 – Jun 20 Ask the Lord for forgiveness, and he will save your soul. That may seem like strange advice coming from something based on astrology, but just go with it. Would you like a prayer sheet?
Cancer – Jun 21 – July 22 They say when a man drinks he develops certain powers. This is a sign to stop your drinking.
Leo – July 23 – Aug 22 Your friends may be more successful than you in the upcoming days, but it is only because of your support. It should give you some comfort to share in that glory.
Virgo – Aug 23 – Sep 22 When I saw it out there, glimmering in the dusk and dark, I thought it was one of those… What do you call something that looks real, but it ain’t? Anyway, here it is—the real thing.
Libra – Sep 23 – Oct 22 You’ve got to be able to stab fear in the face, smell its breath and laugh. If you cannot do that, then forget it.
Scorpio – Oct 23 – Nov 21 Didn’t you see the signs? They seemed so obvious to everyone else. It’s okay. Take a breather, honey.
Sagittarius – Nov 22 – Dec 21 You really shouldn’t have said that. You have no idea what you have unleashed. Walk awhile; it’ll be fine… I hope.
Capricorn – Dec 22 – Jan 19 It could be guns. It could be gold. Both represent power in certain circles, but you should probably opt for something better like love.
Aquarius – Jan 20 – Feb 18 It’s cold and flu season. You oughta take better care of yourself. That’s why SLCC has Health and Wellness Services.
Pisces – Feb 19 – Mar 20 Hit the road tomorrow: go to Mexico. Just remember to take your mirrored sunglasses.
Horrorscope is a parody meant for entertainment only proving that the universe doesn’t revolve around you. “The Globe” denies any resemblance to anything living, dead or undead. Don’t take Texas blood money from the hangman’s daughter. It never ends well.