Aries – Mar 21–Apr 19 Let this be a moment that you won’t forget all your life ‘til you die.
Taurus – Apr 20–May 20 Get up. Get your car keys. You may want to sleep in but parking sucks. The sooner you get to the college, the longer you can drive around in circles until you miss your class.
Gemini – May 21–Jun 20 God will forgive them. He’ll forgive them and allow them into heaven. That’s what God does. You’re not God, and while forgiving will do you more good than them, it just might not be in the cards.
Cancer – Jun 21–July 22 Test that beer before you drink it ‘cause there’s nothing in it—except maybe some B vitamins, a little poison and a ton of calories, but definitely no answers.
Leo – July 23–Aug 22 Don’t mess about with the fire, mate. You’re bound to get burned.
Virgo – Aug 23–Sep 22 This thing’s there. It’s right there. It’s in the glass, man. It’s an elephant thing. No one seems to be discussing it, but it’s there.
Libra – Sep 23–Oct 22 You’re going to go upstairs and play on your computer before tea. If anyone asks, you’ll say you were doing homework, but we both know how important balance is.
Scorpio – Oct 23–Nov 21 Do you know why people give kids drugs? To control their minds because they are weak minded themselves.
Sagittarius – Nov 22–Dec 21 You might think that he had big shoes on, and he had massive eyes, but that was a dog. Next time avoid mooching about.
Capricorn – Dec 2 –Jan 19 Don’t go climbing in it. The spaceship ain’t coming back.
Aquarius – Jan 20–Feb 18 If you have any better ideas, now is the time to speak up. Let it out. Let it all out.
Pisces – Feb 19–Mar 20 You made the most money then, didn’t you? It doesn’t matter now. Have you fed the fish?
Horrorscope is a parody meant for entertainment only proving that the universe doesn’t revolve around you. “The Globe” denies any resemblance to anything living, dead or undead. Never judge someone until you have walked a mile in that person’s shoes. That way you’ll be a mile away and have the shoes when you do judge.