Aries – Mar 21 – Apr 19 This is insane. There’s no heat on the McDonald’s budget, they expect you to work 75 hours a week at two different jobs and pay only $20 a month for health insurance. So much for being able to live on minimum wage.
Taurus – Apr 20 – May 20 There are all of those yellow cars out there with signs on top. If you give them some money, they’ll take you wherever you want to go.
Gemini – May 21 – Jun 20 If you leave now, you’re going to blow it forever. Life’s about choices, man, and one bad one can ruin every good one you ever made.
Cancer – Jun 21 – July 22 It’s going to be a good night; I can feel it. There’s nothing wrong with having a little faith.
Leo – July 23 – Aug 22 Because we didn’t do anything wrong, we’re supposed to be protected? By who? The police, alarms, little visor clips with saints on them?
Virgo – Aug 23 – Sep 22 There has to be something – something we can do to get someone’s attention. It’s no good just to sit by the wall for the rest of our lives.
Libra – Sep 23 – Oct 22 If you enter your PIN backwards into the ATM, it automatically alerts the police. It’s like a panic code in case you are getting robbed. If your PIN is something like 4224, you’ve got problems. Maybe you should visit Snopes.com to get verification on this and other matters that you keep passing along on social media.
Scorpio – Oct 23 – Nov 21 There are so many variables that come into play in a market like this. It’s just the unfortunate state of the economy. We’re all behind, especially since Congress raised interest rates on Subsidized Stafford Loans.
Sagittarius – Nov 22 – Dec 21 Are you guys being serious right now? Nothing says good time like streamers? Really? Streamers?
Capricorn – Dec 22 – Jan 19 Sometimes, it’s all about going home. That is not a baseball metaphor. Take it literally.
Aquarius – Jan 20 – Feb 18 Everyone’s screwed. Stop moping. The best you can do is what you need to be doing right now.
Pisces – Feb 19 – Mar 20 It’s still worth trying. This could be your only chance. Go out and make a withdrawal from your risk bank. The interest that you are earning in the bank isn’t worth it anyway.
Horrorscope is a parody meant for entertainment only proving that the universe doesn’t revolve around you. “The Globe” denies any resemblance to anything living, dead or undead. It’s time to get out of the banking business and into the credit union. The low interest rates on a savings account or CD is really scary, especially after the too big to fail fiasco. Guess who is getting bilked again.