Aries: Mar 21 – Apr 19. A lot of folks will tell you there’s only one way to season a bird, but I say there’s a whole spice rack. Cooking is like life.
Taurus: Apr 20 – May 20. Babies are made out of love. How they get to be snips and snails and puppy dog tails or sugar and spice and everything nice is a question for science.
Gemini: May 21 – Jun 20. Whatever blows your hair back, honey. You’re paying.
Cancer: Jun 21 – July 22. An early blast of Old Man Winter is making driving conditions treacherous. Imagine what it’ll be like when it snows.
Leo: July 23 – Aug 22. The sooner we can get it done, the sooner we can move on from this. Graduation here we come.
Virgo: Aug 23 – Sep 22. Finally, somebody cool. Don’t be shy, now. It never got you where you wanted to go in the first place.
Libra: Sep 23 – Oct 22. Get your head together, please. Don’t be rude, and the semester will go nicely for you.
Scorpio: Oct 23 – Nov 21. Seven out of seven were taken in the snow. That means you have a little while before you have to worry about it.
Sagittarius: Nov 22 – Dec 21. You remember that job you took in fast food? Great career move that turned out to be, especially since all of the jobs added in the new economy are service related. Don’t worry you don’t need to pay for heat.
Capricorn: Dec 22 – Jan 19. A couple of weeks off might be a good thing. Too bad the semester just started. Here’s to fall break.
Aquarius: Jan 20 – Feb 18. Your parents are going to freak, but you just do what you have to do. Get ready to be happy.
Pisces: Feb 19 – Mar 20. This is a sign of trust, of loyalty, of commitment because without commitment we’re nowhere. I hope you like Cajun chicken.
Horrorscope is a parody meant for entertainment only proving that the universe doesn’t revolve around you. “The Globe” denies any resemblance to anything living or dead. Go ahead and try the whole radio thing. It worked for Dobler.