Open up the window one night this week and turn off the air conditioning. Not only will you save some money, but you will also be able to listen to them, the children of the night, and what music they make. Just be sure to choose a night when the air quality is not in the red. That is a deficit that no set of lungs should have to pay.
Scorpio – Oct 23 – Nov 21
A nice night out with friends could be just what you need this week. If someone offers to buy you a drink, it will be okay to indulge – just do not accept any red rum. Red, red wine may make you feel so fine that it keeps you rocking all of the time, but Johnny Walker Red would be a terrible idea, even if Ed McMahon is offering it.
Sagittarius – Nov 22 – Dec 21
Independence Day may not be the spectacular sendoff that you expected, but after a little dancing to some good music and someone maybe’ll light your fire. Avoid the house variety, it is fine for dressing, but makes for a terrible step in the wrong direction of rhythm. Find something classic instead.
Capricorn – Dec 22 – Jan 19
The party at the end of the week may have you wondering how you ended up in the woods in your underwear – terrible fashion choice considering the surroundings. Just take your mom’s advice and put on a clean pair every 12 hours. As long as you’ve got some shades and some old time rock n’ roll, you’ll do great.
Aquarius – Jan 20 – Feb 18
Be afraid; be very afraid. However, realize that now is a terrible time to argue. Instead, put your efforts into something more productive, wear your running shoes and solve the problem. Everything may not be hunky-dory afterwards, but it will be different.
Pisces – Feb 19 – Mar 20
You might feel like a fish out of water right now, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. You are right where you should be just suck in a deep breath to prove that it is true and you will find that you can breathe… as long as you stay out of the water.
Aries – Mar 21 – Apr 19
We all go a little mad sometimes, and now is the perfect time for you. Forget using your head, it is time to focus on the heart. Just try not to get burned during the festivities.
Taurus – Apr 20 – May 20
The neighbors might wonder if you have checked the children. Don’t worry; they will be all ears when you have something to say. Throw some corn on the grill for independence and become free.
Gemini – May 21 – Jun 20
Another seven days gone and nothing exciting has happened? You do not have to be one of us because you are an original. Get bundled up for your next trip and you will be able to ask “Who’s laughing now?”
Cancer – Jun 21 – July 22
Oh, yes, there will be blood, especially if you order the Steak Tartare. Remember that the consumption of undercooked meat can cause health problems through the transmission of microbes. Avoid staying up late enough to see snow on the television. Someone at the door will have you saying, “They’re here.”
Leo – July 23 – Aug 22
Shakespeare says that a woman would run through fire and water for such a kind heart. You know that is true only if it is inside a tall, dark handsome package. With a little extra effort you can stake your claim, just be careful that your heart doesn’t get ripped out.
Virgo – Aug 23 – Sep 22
Some say that a ghost ship has been frozen in near Antarctica. Hogwash. There are no such things as ghost ships. You do not have to prove your point. Travelling too far South may have you encountering icy dead people.
Horrorscope is a parody meant for entertainment only. “The Globe” denies any resemblance to anything living or dead. We highly recommend that you take your Horrorscope with a grain of salt thrown over your left shoulder.