Dear Dick,
I understand that you are thankful. In fact, I applaud gratitude in all of its forms nowadays because the world really needs more people to express their thankfulness.
However, just because I respect your gratitude and your right to be grateful, you should in no way expect me to be happy to partake in your ritual.
Not only am I not happy to take part in it, I am downright appalled at how you express thanks, and this has been going on for generations as your family tradition. How can anyone truly express thanks while harming another? It is ridiculous.
So while you are giving thanks for your health and your freedom, just remember that my family and I are being used against our will to support your occasion of gratitude.
It isn’t fair, but there isn’t anything we can do about it. You have already labeled us so dumb that when it rains and we look up, we drown. That kind of prejudice speaks volumes about who you really are.
Maybe you are just ignorant about other ways to give thanks. Praying is good. Saying “Thank you” also rates highly in my book. A call of gratitude, if it suits the situation, is another way to give thanks. Greeting cards, either store bought or homemade, are also a wonderful way to convey gratitude, and when you send them through the mail, you support the postal system. Even an email is a good way to tell someone that you appreciate what he or she means to you.
If you have to have a feast, then you could choose any of several options for the main course: vegetarian lasagna, winter risotto, spanakopita, ratatouille and the list goes on. Heck, they make a great Tofurkey that comes with the stuffing already inside. My family would even be happy if you went with the other white meat or a nice shepherd’s pie. At least then, more than the two that receive a presidential pardon would make it through the holidays.
When you chase us with hatchets, pluck off our feathers and stuff with everything from cranberries to ducks and chickens, you really can’t expect us to help you celebrate.
So before you gobble up that Thanksgiving dinner, just remember that bird might be my aunt Jocelyn. Then maybe next year you can change your celebration and my children can give thanks for being able to survive a holiday season.
While I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving, I would be ever so more sincere if you chose not to eat me or my relatives this year.
Sincerely,
Tom Turkey
