Editor’s Note: This fictional article, which uses a vintage writing style for the period, was written as a contribution to The Globe’s April Fool’s Day commemorative issue designed by Shad Engkilterra. This article is for entertainment purposes only.
April 1, 1855 – After several Weeks of observing a great Dust Cloud rising above the Peaks of the Wasatch Mountains, Citizens in the Salt Lake Area were feeling a little Concerned about what such a Cloud could signify. Most thought it a dark Omen, but Government Officials downplayed the Significance of the Sight emerging from the PR Springs Area.
The Rising of the Gulls from the Great Salt Lake to the West seemed to foretell another bumper Crop of Grains and Vegetables with the Protection of the Birds.
“I heard their sharp Cry. Upon looking up, I beheld what appeared like a vast Flock of Pigeons coming from the Northwest. It was about Three o’Clock in the Afternoon. There must have been Thousands of them. Their coming was like a great Cloud; and when they passed between us and the Sun, a Shadow covered the Field. I could see Gulls settling for more than a Mile around us,” said Pioneer Mr. John Smith.
Much to Mr. Smith’s Chagrin, he immediately noticed a great black Cloud of Grasshoppers descend upon and torment the Gulls while Thousands of Anabrus Simplex traveled the Ground like a great trooping Horde of Mongols toward the Gulls and the Fields in which the Birds had alighted.
The Attack was well coordinated with the Arrival of the Anabrus Complex from the East. These Creatures looked much like a Cross between a Locust and a Buffalo. With six Legs and the Size of an Adult Buffalo, they raised up Dust Clouds that choked Man and Beast alike with each Stamp of the Hoof. Their oily Hides dripped with a tarlike Substance, drenching the Ground black with every Drop. They smelled suspiciously like Citrus as if they had trampled through an Orange Grove on their way to the Dust Bowl.
“We should have had Notice about these Creatures. We had a Group in PR Springs that was looking to Mine the Sands for the Concrete so that we could continue to build our great City,” said Gov. Herbert Young. “They should have given us some Warning about the Buffalo-Crickets.”
No other Army would have been able to execute such a Plan with the Precision that these Creatures did. The Grasshoppers from Above, the Anabrus Simplex from the West by Ground and the Anabrus Complex from the East wreacked desperate Havock across the Lands and across the Populations of the Birds that had just 7 Years ago saved the Pioneer Crops from the Anabrus Simplex.
This coordinated Attack of long-horned and short-horned Grasshoppers has caused many Sighs and long Faces amongst the Pioneers.
“We went out with Brush and undertook to drive them, but they were too strong for us,” said Lorenzo Dow Young.
The Hopes of the Citizens now rest in the Hands of Child Prodigy Sarah Mainetall and her Advisors. Miss Mainetall has taken to using her Rifle to bring down the Anabrus Complex while driving through the Herds on a Wagon with little Success.
“The Carapace is more difficult to penetrate than the Hide of a Buffalo. That’s for sure,” said Miss Mainetall. “If they have a weakness, I will find it.”
Gov. Young said that insufficient Irrigation was contributing to the Problem of the Dust and that the Pioneers needed to take Personal Responsibility for their Part in not watering the Crops enough.
“It is not a Question of Arthropodic Regulation. Citizens need to realize their own Effects on the Problem and correct them accordingly,” said Gov. Young.
Gov. Young also eschewed the Physical Assistance of the Federal Government.
“We do not need the U.S. Military tromping through our Lands, but if the President would like to send us some Money for the Cleanup Operation, we will gladly accept that,” said Gov. Young.
The Situation looks dire for the next Crop of Food, but Pioneers have Faith that God will intervene with a new Device to strengthen their Beliefs and the Beliefs of Future Generations. Many still believe in the Gull’s Ability to overcome the Grasshoppers and the Anabrus Simplex.
Fewer know what to do about the Anabrus Complex. Some are trying to Blockade them, but the Buffalo-Crickets keep steaming through as if going through a bad young Act of Congress.
The Gulls defeated the Crickets in the Cricket War of 1848. The Citizens of the Great Salt Lake City can only hope that Reinforcements come from on high again. Or they may find that the City turns into a Dust Bowl that chokes the Life out of every Living Thing.
