Aries – Mar 21 – Apr 19 I don’t care how rich and successful a man is – without an education, he’s nothing. Stay in school. Study harder. You can be whatever you want to be. You want to be a loser. Be a loser. You want to be a winner. Be a winner. It’s up to you.
Taurus – Apr 20 – May 20 You should try our tall and fat stores – no offense. It’s not that you are necessarily tall or fat, it is just that society wants you to think more about what you look like on the outside rather than who you are on the inside. While you are busy spending all of your time and energy on what you look like, you have less time to devote to making a difference.
Gemini – May 21 – Jun 20 Join me in a little reality break… Okay, that was enough. A little reality can go a long way. Now, go back to your normal Wonderland with Mad Hatters and March Hares, and the next time you take a reality break bring a load of fantasy with you. That’s the only way things are going to get better. Oh, Oh, Oh…
Cancer – Jun 21 – July 22 The Great Gatsby was great. The Amazing Kreskin was amazing. You? You’re like smart smart. So the next time you introduce yourself to someone, do so in the third person and add “Smart Smart” before your name. Remember to say it and don’t spray it.
Leo – July 23 – Aug 22 What is the Oort system, and what does it tell us? As the hypothetical origin of all comets, the Oort system doesn’t really tell us anything about astrology because it hasn’t ever been seen by anyone. How can it have any bearing on your life if its very existence is questioned?
Virgo – Aug 23 – Sep 22 You know what a lousy day yesterday was? I’d like to have some good news for you… It would be better if you just stayed in bed for the next, um, week? That ought to do it.
Libra – Sep 23 – Oct 22 You know what you got? You got class. So stop reading the paper, show respect for your fellow students, your professors and yourself, and get there on time. The only person that you are hurting when you skip class is yourself. When you show up late, you hurt everyone else in the class. That pain your feeling in your backside is your wallet reminding you how expensive education really is in Utah. (Read the paper in between classes.)
Scorpio – Oct 23 – Nov 21 Read? Who has time? See the movie. In and out in two hours. Order a large drink and nachos. Besides, there are lots of free movies in the Salt Lake area. Let me know how that works out for you in math class.
Sagittarius – Nov 22 – Dec 21 No matter what you do. No matter what stunts you pull. No matter how hard you try. You will never, ever pass this course. On your own, at least. Find a study buddy, visit the learning center, do the reading, and you’ve got a shot.
Capricorn – Dec 22 – Jan 19 You know that sitting in the class while the professors asks questions that no one wants to answer, just wastes your time and money. You know the answer, so why do you just sit there? TELL ME WHY! SAY IT! SAY IT!
Aquarius – Jan 20 – Feb 18 You and I both know that cheating is not the smart thing to do in college, but just this once, I am going to give you the answer. In response to Roman numeral 27, section 3 part 2 of subset D of the question, the answer is 4. For life, the universe and everything the answer is 42.
Pisces – Feb 19 – Mar 20 Your mantra for the next semester should be “I’m going to pass this test. I’m staying in school. Who’s next?” It’s a jungle out there. You gotta look out for number 1, but don’t step on number 2.
Horrorscope is a parody meant for entertainment only. “The Globe” denies any resemblance to anything living or dead. Get to class.
