Editor’s Note: This fictional article, which uses a vintage writing style for the period, was written as a contribution to The Globe’s April Fool’s Day commemorative issue designed by Shad Engkilterra. This article is for entertainment purposes only.
The South City Facility of Salt Lake Community University will be introducing the new steam-powered Freight Hoist come April the First of this, the Year of our Lord, 1818. For all those Pupils who are exhausted from the dreadful Burden of stationing their Buggies and Horses, the Hoist will subside those Concerns. Both Horse and Driver are promised to have the Experience of a Lifetime.
“I thought Oats were good, but the Hoist is even better,” neighed Horse Mr. Edward IV. “It has enlightened my Eyes and Appetite. I recommend the Hoist to the entire Population of Pupils and Professors.”
The Operation of the Hoist is simple for those who have Intellect. Coloured Buttons on the Control Panels take Horse and Driver to heights of euphoric Pleasures. For Example, when a Person places hold on the purple Button, the entire Hoist will be lit up in magnificent Violet and the Scent of Anise and Fennel will fill the Air. This will keep smelly Fumes from the defecating Horse at bay.
After an unforgettable ride on the Hoist, Drivers have the Convenience of leaving their Horses and Carriages in a Stall outside their Classrooms. Once Class has dissembled, Pupils will unhitch their Horse and ride down the Hallway to their next Class. If the Need arises to ride the Hoist, Pupils and their Horses can board, pick a Colour and immerse themselves in pure Satisfaction.
“I never could have imagined such a beautiful Invention would come to my University,” said Pupil Elizabeth Lavenza. “Riding it is like a Dream, from which I never want to awake. And it diminishes my Irritation for trying to find Station for my Horse and Buggy.”
Mr. Edward IV had the unique Opportunity to explore the Hoist with his Master Gerald Picknanny before it was introduced to the general public.
“I’ve loved Mr. Edward IV for the Duration of my Existence,” said Mr. Picknanny. “Even though he defecates on every Surface of every Floor, I love him.”
There is a Solution for a Horse who defecates while in the Vicinity of the University. Sacks will be provided for Attachment to the Anus of each and every Horse. A flowery Smell will permeate the Sack, leaving behind an Odor of either Roses or Cloves throughout the Hallways of the Facility.
“Before the Sack Invention, Ed smelled of Dung and Milk gone sour. Now he smells as if he came out of a Dream. Life will never be the same for us both,” said Mr. Picknanny.
Some Pupils and Horses who experimented with the Hoist, have been said to swoon into brief, blissful Faints. Although this type of Situation almost never happens, Pupils and Horses can still expect a Ride like none other.
Never in the History of Mankind will an Invention of this Complexity have such an Impact on a Community of Pupils. No longer will there be Hair Pulling and Nail Biting as Students try to find Hitchment for their Horses and Buggies. The Hoist is the Convenience of the Century.
