Editor’s Note: This fictional article, which uses a vintage writing style for the period, was written as a contribution to The Globe’s April Fool’s Day commemorative issue designed by Shad Engkilterra. This article is for entertainment purposes only.
April 1, 1842 – Going to a Doctor’s Appointment can be a harrowing Experience. Before one walks into the Office, one may feel a bit Apprehensive not fearing what the Doctor will do, but more so who the Doctor’s Waiting Room will be full of.
The Thought of ill Children, who are not just ill but, due to the Discomfort of whatever ails them, are loud, disruptive, and in some cases, screaming and running around hysterically. Well, that thought alone is enough to make any Man lay in his grave. Children should be neither seen nor heard even when fulfilling some useful Purpose.
The Banishment of Children from public Areas would make Life quieter and more tolerable. As I contemplate this ‘ideal’ Society, I imagine utter Quietness. I imagine going to the market and not having to worry about some poverty-stricken street Urchin pilfering my Purse or other Belongings.
As I take comfort in this Thought, I begin to imagine the various Ways of putting it into Practice. Jonathan Swift has modestly proposed one Way to dispose of the Whippersnappers, but it might be too extreme for the Tastes of my Readers. The Extinguishment of Children from modern Society should happen subtly and in only many Parts of the Nation, for we still need to produce a new Population.
New Laws shall be implemented where Children are only allowed out at Sunrise when they are useful and should do all Chores mandated by the Head of the Household. They shall then readily recede back into their Homes only a few Hours after the Sun has shown itself. A good Age when Children are no longer to be deemed “Children” is when they reach the ripe Age of 13 Years.
Understanding that these Children need Exercise and other humanly Interactions, we will build a, let us call it, a “Park” where these Children are allowed to roam as they please but within its Borders alone and never outside of them. We will build it on the Outskirts of Town as to not disturb any surrounding Citizens with the churlish Imps’ disruptive Noises.
The Park will have an abundant Amount of Books. The Intelligent will take advantage and become great Successes, whereas the less-than-intelligent, useless Bunch of Delinquents will waste away their Days with frivolous Activities, which will lead them to bear a poverty-stricken Life.
This Park could also be used for Factory Labor. The Park can be utilized as a Place where Goods can be produced for Government Use where all Citizens will benefit. These Suggestions can be further contemplated when this Park is finally established. However, if any Readers have Suggestions, they can send them in as well, care of this Newspaper.
This new Law is, of course, only in the Interest of my fellow Citizens. It is not something that should be frowned upon; as I am sure, many Mothers will be readily doing, so Husbands need to do their Duty to God and Country and convince their Wives that this is the best Way.
It is also in the Interest of the Children. Making them more productive than they would be and keeping them out of the Slums. These Children should, in fact, be grateful at the Consideration that is being given them.
