Editor’s Note: This fictional article, which uses a vintage writing style for the period, was written as a contribution to The Globe’s April Fool’s Day commemorative issue designed by Shad Engkilterra. This article is for entertainment purposes only.
Grandma Signe lays down the Law
For a happy Marriage with no flaw.
These 10 commandments to husbands give
That man and wife may happily live.
1. Remember that I am thy Wife,
Whom thou must cherish all thy Life.
Not a Slave but a Helpmate be
To hold and care for tenderly.
2. Thou shalt not stay out late at Night
When Lodges, Friends or Clubs invite,
Except when it’s my special Day
Then we leave when I say.
3. Thou shalt not smoke indoor or out
or chew Tobacco round about.
If thou would enjoy Nights of Bliss,
On this Law, I must insist.
4. Thou shalt with praise receive my Pies,
nor Pastry made by me despise.
Taste shall not be how thou measures,
But Love shall determine thy foodly Pleasures.
5. My Mother thou shalt strive to please
and let her live with us in ease.
My Mother’s visits are a source of joy.
With words and actions, thou shalt not her and I annoy.
6. Remember ‘tis thy Duty clear
to dress me well throughout the Year.
My Raiment thy Reputation carries
With Friend and Boss and Dicks and Harrys.
7. Thou shalt not be a drinking Man
but live on the Total Abstinence Plan.
Evil Spirits shall enter neither Home nor Body,
Which we both know belong to me.
8. Thou shalt in manner mild and meek
give me thy Wages every Week.
I have the Bills to pay.
You bring in Money, so Life is gay.
9. Thou shalt not flirt but must allow
Thy Wife such freedom anyhow.
Thou may fall into the Pit,
But thy Wife knows when to quit.
10. Thou shalt get up when Baby cries
And try the Child to tranquilize.
Use neither Liquor nor Drug nor Slap,
So I can have my beauty Nap.
These my Commandments, from Day to Day,
Implicitly thou shalt obey.
The Key to thy happy Life
Is for me to be a happy Wife.
