Ashton Kutcher is Hollywood’s version of the kid on the playground who eats worms, the one that will do anything for a little attention or money. From annoying TV shows about pranking other celebrities to camera commercials, Kutcher’s shame knows no bounds, and there is probably no better evidence than his latest train wreck, No Strings Attached.
The film is about Adam, played by Kutcher, and Emma, Natalie Portman (Black Swan), a pair of childhood friends who in their adulthood decide to be friends with benefits. So like all good friends with benefits, they start sleeping together, a lot, try not to fall in love, but of course they do. Then they break up but get back together just in time for the credits.
The film is so insubstantial, that it’s incredibly hard to watch. About a dozen supporting characters populate the movie, a few with attempts at sub plots, but throughout the movie they drop off one by one until the movie finally just forgets about them.
The most prominent is Adam’s father, a retired actor, who even in his sixties still likes to womanize and use massive amounts of drugs. At one point he starts dating one of Adam’s ex-girlfriends, but the whole thing feels awkward and unreal.
Another is a doctor that works with Emma, who is set up early in the film to be some sort of villain to go against Adam, but ends up disappearing about halfway through the story, never to be seen again.
A lot of this movie reeks of trying to make a buck. Every joke is either about sex or pop culture. Honestly, sex probably isn’t going to go away so that’s fine, but really, we get it. People text. It’s just not that funny anymore.
Every character has the same quirky sarcastic attitude towards life, on top of being completely obsessed with relationships. Everything about the film is safe. It’s almost like someone was standing just off camera in a suit going “Yes! Perfect! This is guaranteed to sell! It’s just like everything else!”
The result of all this is a very bland, very boring movie. See any three romantic comedies made in the last five years and you’ve seen this thing. The only truly new thing might be the naked Kutcher, but if that’s the only reason you’re seeing this film, save your money and Google it.
No Strings Attached is rated R for all the freaking sex, drugs, strong language, and nudity.