An epidemic is taking over Salt Lake Community College. Mild forms of dementia, increased affection of others, over salivating and the uncontrollable desire to constantly be touching another person.
These are symptoms of the infamous plague, PDA. It’s serious and it’s affecting students all over SLCC. From the butt squeezes while walking down the hall, to making out on the Technology Building couches, PDA is turning into an even bigger scare then the inevitable zombie apocalypse.
I personally am tired of feeling pity for the couples who feel the need to inappropriately grab each other’s swim suit areas to try and prove their love for one another. When did it start becoming acceptable to keep your hand in your partners back pocket? Are you scared you’ll lose them?
Swapping spit in front of others not only is humiliating for the people who are engaging in it, but it’s awkward for those who are watching. Where do we put our eyes? Do we watch the technique of lip sucking? Do we make eye contact (that’s just weird)?
What are you individuals in these symbiotic relationships thinking? Are you not man enough to refuse to keep engaging in affectionate activities with a short skirt? Ladies, are you not independent enough to feel comfortable with not always touching and groping your boy-toy’s neck, hands, back, butt, etc.?
Now I know what you guys are thinking, “She’s just a bitter old witch.” Not true. I was raised in a good and wholesome environment where my family sweeps our feelings and affection under the rug like a normal American family. The only time I have reached the pinnacle of jealousy was watching Ryan Reynolds kissing Scarlet Johansson. Most of the time I am grateful that the spectacle of entangled arms is not partly me.
I personally think we should follow the example of a country in Africa. In South Africa, it’s illegal to engage in any form of public affection if you are under the age of sixteen. Let’s bump that age up to 115-years-old and make it a capital punishment.
So please, my fellow students, keep it in your pants, pockets and mouths.