Domestic violence and sexual assault advocates around the world are hoping to change the way others define what being a bystander actually means and why just ignoring the issue is no longer acceptable.
“We live in a society where we’ve learned to turn the other cheek because its not our business. It’s something our parents and grandparents have taught us,” said Kristen Paruginog, survivor and founder of Break the Silence Against Domestic Violence, a non-profit organization committed to helping victims and survivors of abuse.
Requests for increased bystander involvement are becoming more prevalent. But there seems to be a lot of confusion on what being a bystander actually means.
According to Nomore.org, “a bystander is someone who is present at an event or incident but does not take part such as a customer at a bar who sees a drunk person being taken advantage of, someone who notices a family member’s bruises, or someone who hears screaming coming from a neighbor’s home.”
Paruginog said the key to understanding bystander intervention is that it needs to become relevant for people to want to learn about domestic violence.
“We need to show them the harsh realities and let them know that domestic violence can happen to anyone,” said Paruginog. “Young people gravitate to hearing other young people and they need to hear stories, hear the effects, and also need to hear about how to fix this problem.”
Getting involved can be scary, and often dangerous. And stories like that of Jai Hogue, a Millcreek woman who in August was shot multiple times when she attempted to intervene in a domestic dispute between two people. Hogue has been in a coma ever since.
The fear of not knowing how to help, or that someone else will help is often the reason others ignore situations even when their gut tells them they should. Knowing what to do can help in a tense situation. Understanding the difference between the right and wrong things to say can also make a difference in helping someone escape abuse before it’s too late.
The first thing to realize is no matter the situation, you never should ignore your personal safety. Many people have risked their lives to help a total stranger, and many have been seriously injured and even killed in doing so.
If for any reason the situation seems unsafe, do not attempt to intervene. Call the police before getting involved. Law enforcement officers have been trained and are equipped to handle violent situations. While it is ok to make your presence known, remember it can also light a fuse. If intervening seems unavoidable, and you make an attempt, don’t push it. If your intervention doesn’t stop the violence, especially where weapons are involved, step away, stay clear and wait for help to arrive.
Society generally has no idea how to even start a discussion with someone they suspect is a victim of abuse. They are either afraid of a bad reaction, or worse, being wrong. This perception prohibits others from asking the questions many victims so desperately want you to ask.
Domestic violence sometimes carries a stigma of shame; individuals often blame victims, and that in turn further discourages victims from opening up and getting the help they need.
Many survivors will tell you that if you had asked them directly if they were being abused, they would have instinctively told you no. But approaching a victim about abuse requires building a trust with them first. Ask them if they are ok, or if they need someone to talk to. Don’t place judgment, blame or tell them you know how they feel, unless you do.
Make the conversation about them, not the abuser. Victims do not want to hear your opinion of their abuser because they have rationalized the abuse, and made excuses for their behavior. Victims often do not see the excuses are merely myths they convinced themselves to believe until they are away from abusers long enough to see the difference.
Leaving is something that has to be decided by the victim. Until they are ready, very little can be said to convince them to leave. Once the victim feels they can trust you, it will be a lot easier to help them work on a safety plan, find resources and help them find somewhere to go. Let them know you will be there for them when they are ready and how important it is to get out before it is too late. Victims need to understand they do not have to live that way and they deserve to live a life free of abuse.
For more information on how to start a conversation or help someone you suspect is being abused, Hiddenhurt.co.uk has some more great advice.
For understanding more about bystander intervention in immediate situations, you can get additional bystander tips and resources, by visiting Avon’s See the Signs Speak Out: Bystander Training Programs, The NO MORE Bystander Guide to Parties, or Partners in Social Change: Bystanders as Primary Prevention.