Editor’s Note: This fictional article was written as a contribution to The Globe’s April Fool’s Day commemorative issue. This article is for entertainment purposes only.
On Monday, April 1, in a press conference held in the Oak Room of the Taylorsville Redwood Campus Student Center, officials from the Utah Board of Regents and the office of the Lieutenant Governor announced that changes are in the works for Salt Lake Community College campuses.
Through a new franchisee system, which the state is calling “SLCC Unlimited,” private owners will soon be able to bid for the right to manage and share in the profits from any of the college’s 13 campuses.
“Government managed and subsidized higher education has had an unfair advantage over the private sector for far too long,” said Lieutenant Governor Greg Bell. “SLCC Unlimited, the state’s innovative new approach to campus management, will not only provide local businesses and individuals with exciting opportunities, but will also spark creative ways to maximize the job skills of Utah’s workforce.”
Many details about SLCC Unlimited are still under wraps, but new SLCC brand manager Happy Jagers fielded questions about the broad mechanics of the new system.
Jagers said that starting sometime in the second half of 2013, the college will begin accepting franchisee applications. Selection criteria vary from campus to campus, but Jagers said that candidates should understand the needs of Utah students and also have the ability to manage a bottom line.
“Through a thorough and rigorous screening process, those individuals and businesses that have the vision for a brighter, more job-ready Utah will be selected to become part of the SLCC team as SLCC Unlimited Eduinnovation Partners,” said Jagers. “Only those ready to put their noses to the grindstone need apply.”
Once a partnership has been established, SLCC franchisees will take over many aspects of their campus’ operations, including course development, tuition rates and collection, and employee payroll. Profits for each month will be distributed between the franchisee and the newly established SLCC Inc. along a fifty-fifty split.
“Our partners gain the recognition and trust that comes from carrying the SLCC brand, and we gain the efficiency that comes from the free market drive to succeed,” said Jagers.
Jagers was careful to assuage fears about negative effects for students that might come from switching to a new management model, with particular regard to tuition.
“Tuition has been on the rise at SLCC for at least a decade, and it just went up another six percent this year,” said Jagers. “It’s clear that we simply cannot control costs on our own, and the state legislature lacks the political will to help. A competitive, profit driven approach may be just what the doctor ordered.”
Bell also jumped in to tout the effects that SLCC Unlimited would have on course selection.
“I’m sorry, but right now you offer a course, CMGT 1110, that teaches students how to make a Native American flute,” said Bell. “I’ve never heard an employer ask anyone ‘can you make an outdated musical instrument?’. We need fewer flute makers and more database managers, and this arrangement might force the hard, but necessary decisions that will result in more employable grads.”
Bell acknowledged the unique and untested nature of the program, but said that he hopes Utah becomes a model for managing unruly education budgets throughout the nation.
“The franchisee system has worked very well for countless service industries across the country, from fast food to hotels,” said Bell. “When it comes right down to it, it’s just about scale. How is managing a Salt Lake Community College campus any different than a Papa John’s?”
Jagers also stressed the fact that this story would appear as close to April Fools as the Globe’s publication schedule will allow, and that he, like the contents of this story, is entirely fictional.