Aries – Mar 21 – Apr 19 Are you interested in the uncut, uncensored truth? You won’t believe your eyes.
Taurus – Apr 20 – May 20 This job’s important; you can turn debt into dollars. Your family will thank you.
Gemini – May 21 – Jun 20 Just one more sneeze and you’ll have your precious freedom.
Cancer – Jun 21 – July 22 You look like you’re about to retire. The next time things will be different.
Leo – July 23 – Aug 22 You are never too young to invest in your future. College is a good start.
Virgo – Aug 23 – Sep 22 It will be the most frightening experience of your life, which means it will also be the most exhilarating.
Libra – Sep 23 – Oct 22 Sure, walk away, but what makes you think there’s going to be a next time?
Scorpio – Oct 23 – Nov 21 Is it really scary? If you are asking, maybe you should try Disneyland. That’ll be more your speed.
Sagittarius – Nov 22 – Dec 21 What is it? Bad luck. Should’ve taken the bus or B-Line.
Capricorn – Dec 22 – Jan 19 You did the right thing; you went after the cash. That’s what good Utahns do, especially if they want to get into politics.
Aquarius – Jan 20 – Feb 18 You should’ve been an actor, even if there’s no money in it.
Pisces – Feb 19 – Mar 20 They’re beautiful, not as beautiful as you, but still beautiful, and you’re allergic to them.
Horrorscope is a parody meant for entertainment only proving that the universe doesn’t revolve around you. “The Globe” denies any resemblance to anything living or dead. They’re always after your Lucky Charms.