Aries – Mar 21 – Apr 19 You really should learn to recognize a good thing when you see one.
Taurus – Apr 20 – May 20 It’s not about what’s good or evil. It’s about what will overtake you and what won’t. Everything else is just opinion.
Gemini – May 21 – Jun 20 It was a joke. It’s not funny anymore.
Cancer – Jun 21 – July 22 There are no accidents. This should give you some peace.
Leo – July 23 – Aug 22 You want to fight fire with fire. Just keep your fire engine clean.
Virgo – Aug 23 – Sep 22 Did you know less than half the people in this country read the newspaper anymore? And even less than that read books. Friends don’t let friends be a statistic.
Libra – Sep 23 – Oct 22 Inversion statistics? You’re not starting to buy into all of this now, are you?
Scorpio – Oct 23 – Nov 21 You should really have someone who really loves you and wants to take care of you.
Sagittarius – Nov 22 – Dec 21 That textbook at the end of this semester? It might be easier to sell an elephant these days.
Capricorn – Dec 22 – Jan 19 You gotta throw a few rocks before you go swimming; give the snakes fair warning.
Aquarius – Jan 20 – Feb 18 After a traumatic experience, you’re going to find a ghost in every corner. There’s no reason to go down there today.
Pisces – Feb 19 – Mar 20 You’re never going to believe this – it seems to be going in that general direction.
Horrorscope is a parody meant for entertainment only proving that the universe doesn’t revolve around you. “The Globe” denies any resemblance to anything living or dead. Their life is better than yours. Damn right, better than yours.