Aries – Mar 21 – Apr 19 That’s a miserable occupation – dusk ‘til dawn, no sleep, rotten food. Getting an education could help you change that.
Taurus – Apr 20 – May 20 You wouldn’t believe what they’re finding in the ground down there. They’re just falling into it, even if it is a terrible idea.
Gemini – May 21 – Jun 20 You just keep thinking. That’s what you’re good at.
Cancer – Jun 21 – July 22 Whatever you come up with, it better be now. Time and tide wait for no one.
Leo – July 23 – Aug 22 You may be the biggest thing to hit this area. Don’t let it go to your head.
Virgo – Aug 23 – Sep 22 Don’t ever hit your mother with a shovel. It’ll leave a dull impression on her mind, and it isn’t nice.
Libra – Sep 23 – Oct 22 How come you’re so talkative? Naturally blabby, really. Just remember to keep it balanced with a good ear.
Scorpio – Oct 23 – Nov 21 Don’t you get sick of being right all the time? Let someone else have the glory and limelight for once.
Sagittarius – Nov 22 – Dec 21 Yeah, that really happened. Don’t make a big thing out of it… No, make a big thing out of it.
Capricorn – Dec 22 – Jan 19 This is no time for bravery. Just keep your head down and hope someone gives you cover.
Aquarius – Jan 20 – Feb 18 A few dark clouds appear on your horizon, and you just go all to pieces, don’t you? If you need to talk to someone, Health and Wellness has counselors available.
Pisces – Feb 19 – Mar 20 There’s something out there that scares you, huh? That may just mean that you need to take the leap and hope the water is deep enough, even if you don’t know how to swim.
Horrorscope is a parody meant for entertainment only proving that the universe doesn’t revolve around you. “The Globe” denies any resemblance to anything living or dead. Who are those guys?