Aries: Mar 21 – Apr 19 The era of procrastination, of half-measures, of soothing and baffling expedients, of delays is coming to a close. In its place, we are entering a period of consequences. My four-year-old nephew is dreadfully afraid of the consequences, even if he doesn’t know what the word means.
Taurus: Apr 20 – May 20 The moral imperative to make big changes is inescapable, so don’t be the blonde who trips in the woods while being chased by a machete-wielding maniac. Face up to the moral imperative and make the required changes. The sooner you do, the less painful it will be.
Gemini: May 21 – Jun 20 This is not a political issue, so much as a moral issue. If we allow that to happen, it is deeply unethical. It is your time to seize this issue. Are you ready to change the way you live?
Cancer: Jun 21 – July 22 After the first 7, 8, 9 years, you could see a pattern developing. I’m not sure why you didn’t do anything about it, except maybe 7 scares you too much. Pop in “A River Runs Through It” for a kinder, gentler Pitt movie, and then get to changing what you need to change. (It might be a diaper.)
Leo: July 23 – Aug 22 Sure, the victories aren’t really victories; the defeats aren’t really defeats. That is just life. The up-side is that any time you are feeling defeated, just remember it isn’t a real defeat. If you can forget the first part of the equation, you will live more happily.
Virgo: Aug 23 – Sep 22 Gold bars or the entire planet – you choose. Just be sure to consider the case of King Midas first. Starvation is a terrible way to go, and if we don’t have a planet…
Libra: Sep 23 – Oct 22 If the issue is not on the tips of their constituents’ tongues, it is easy for them to ignore it. That means it is time for you to get up-in-arms, call your reps and Congressmen and tell them what you think about student interest rates, air quality or whatever other topic you think should not be ignored.
Scorpio: Oct 23 – Nov 21 Communicate this really clearly. Doing the right thing moves us forward. The solutions are in our hands. We just have to have the determination to implement them.
Sagittarius: Nov 22 – Dec 21 You’re dealing with something that is highly emotional. It may calm down a bit if you eliminate all drugs from the equation. Stay on your meds, though. Otherwise things could get a little scary.
Capricorn: Dec 22 – Jan 19 What gets us into to trouble is not what we don’t know, it’s what we know for sure that just ain’t so. For example, that noise in the dark basement. It’s nothing, so don’t even worry about it. It’s not like anyone or anything could be hiding down there anyway.
Aquarius: Jan 20 – Feb 18 It is difficult to get a man to understand something if his salary depends upon his not understanding it. Maybe it is time to look at the work you are doing not through the lens of putting food on your table but taking food from another’s table.
Pisces: Feb 19 – Mar 20 It was a hard blow, but what do you do? You make the best of it. Accept the finality of this outcome, take a nature hike through the Book of Revelation, and remember learning it from your parents. That’s something special.
Horrorscope is a parody meant for entertainment only. The Globe denies any resemblance to anything living or dead. When you are having dinner with killer tomatoes, never ask for the ketchup.