Shave your face, get some after shave, rub it on your palms and slap it on your cheeks. Edvard Munch will be proud even without the vocalizations.
Scorpio – Oct 23 – Nov 21
When going out for sushi, you can never be really sure what you are going to get. It’s okay to be adventurous – try the dancing prawns. If you still aren’t sure what you want, there’s always a red herring.
Sagittarius – Nov 22 – Dec 21
It’s all a movie. It’s all one great big movie. Only you can pick your genre. So what will it be? Sci-fi, western, drama, comedy or something a little more esoteric?
Capricorn – Dec 22 – Jan 19
It might be fun to drunk dial a random person at 3 a.m. on a Saturday morning, but you should know that prank calls are a criminal offense prosecuted under penal code 653M. And there is that whole pesky caller ID thing.
Aquarius – Jan 20 – Feb 18
Movies don’t create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative. So hunker down with your streaming video subscription or the cable movie channel and get creative.
Pisces – Feb 19 – Mar 20
You’ve already played that game, remember? You lost. It’s a new decade, new rules. Go out and win this time.
Aries – Mar 21 – Apr 19
Why are you doing what you are doing? Who knows and who cares? It’s the millennium. Motives are incidental.
Taurus – Apr 20 – May 20
This is weird, isn’t it? To think this fuss is all because of you, I mean, not directly, but in some six degrees of Kevin Bacon way.
Gemini – May 21 – Jun 20
Just when you think that you might as well go out and investigate a strange noise, the smarter half of you says that you should lock the door and call the police. They are better equipped to handle the situation.
Cancer – Jun 21 – July 22
Don’t going running upstairs when you should be running out the front door. Getting in shape can be difficult. Just keep running, just keep running, just keep running.
Leo – July 23 – Aug 22
You may be looking forward to the celebrations coming up in the next month. Forget about it. The unexpected is the new cliché. What can be more unexpected than no one remembering your birthday?
Virgo – Aug 23 – Sep 22
If you want to survive, you can’t have sex, drink or do drugs. It may seem to suck the life right out of you, but in actuality, it will prevent the life from being sucked right out of you. Have you seen Keith Richards lately?
Horrorscope is a parody meant for entertainment only and proving that the universe does not revolve around you. “The Globe” denies any resemblance to anything living or dead. In space, no one can hear you scream.