Since the living won’t usually see the dead, you might find yourself alone – utterly alone. That’s okay because it’s show time. Jump in the line and rock your body in time.
Scorpio – Oct 23 – Nov 21
Does the word “duh” mean anything to you? Sharpen your pencils; you are going to need them. It may sting for a little bit, but it will be worth the soliloquy.
Sagittarius – Nov 22 – Dec 21
Your work is puerile and under-dramatized. You lack any sense of structure, character and the Aristotelian unities. Good thing you are still in college and can take a class to help you with the understanding.
Capricorn – Dec 22 – Jan 19
Everything in life is location, location, location. Stake your claim to the best piece of property you can afford, raise some garlic and you should loving it. Just stay away from McDonald’s, that stuff will kill you.
Aquarius – Jan 20 – Feb 18
If you’re air conditioner goes on the fritz or your washing machine blows up or your video recorder conks out, before you call the repairman, turn on all the lights check all of the closets and cupboards, and look under all of the beds because you never can tell – there just might be a gremlin in your house.
Pisces – Feb 19 – Mar 20
Those funny, little black ships just keep sinking anyway kind of like the pit of your stomach on test day. Tests are a challenge, but man was put on this earth to face challenges. Sometimes, he was meant to run away. Today isn’t one of those days.
Aries – Mar 21 – Apr 19
The human mind is often inflamed with strange complexes. I suggest you consult your physician. He may know who is on first.
Taurus – Apr 20 – May 20
Your temperament’s wrong for the priesthood, and teaching would suit you still less. You’ll find a way to make your natural tendencies pay; be a dentist you’ll be a success.
Gemini – May 21 – Jun 20
You have been a bad monkey. What was will be, and what is will be no more. So think about who you are going to call and make sure they are on sped dial number 2.
Cancer – Jun 21 – July 22
From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars “I am man,” our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. You may not be able to get over it, but start putting on the Ritz and you may forget about.
Leo – July 23 – Aug 22
That scary German guy that lives in the creepy house across the street isn’t the monster you think he is. He actually is a nice guy who bakes an exquisite pie. If you need some silver bullets, try K-Mart or shop class.
Virgo – Aug 23 – Sep 22
You may not see that marriage is a superstition, but when the same suckers get married every day, it makes you wonder. If anyone wonders where you got that face, tell them, “Hollywood, and Boris Karloff wants it back.”
Horrorscope is a parody meant for entertainment only. “The Globe” denies any resemblance to anything living or dead. When you are having dinner with killer tomatoes, never ask for the ketchup.