Libra – Sep 23 – Oct 22
There’s some rumors going round, don’t pay any attention to them, and you will see how high you fly.
Scorpio – Oct 23 – Nov 21
What you need is Love Potion #9. Unfortunately, Madame Rue is on vacation in New Orleans, so you might have to do something more distasteful than drink something that smells like turpentine and looks like India ink. I am told that love is worth the price, so hold your nose and close your eyes, it might sting a bit.
Sagittarius – Nov 22 – Dec 21
There is a party scheduled for the weekend and you sure like to have a ball. However, learn from Bill Clinton and run from anything in a blue dress.
Capricorn – Dec 22 – Jan 19
If you go for a walk at night, you’ll see a sight that will almost stop your heart. Just keep walking and the next day will be a thriller.
Aquarius – Jan 20 – Feb 18
Tuesday you should summon up the posse and done rush a movie – then stay out all night. Whatever you do, don’t fall asleep. You wouldn’t want to miss anything.
Pisces – Feb 19 – Mar 20
In the morning, you’ll be laughing happy, and in the evening, you’ll be in the soup, which is fine because you will eat it up. Yum!
Aries – Mar 21 – Apr 19
Whatever you are putting in the oven or on the stove on Thursday, there will be no defense for it. The heat’ll be too intense for it. Say “Hi” to the firefighters for me.
Taurus – Apr 20 – May 20
Seasons don’t fear the Reaper nor do the wind, the sun or the rain. You can be like they are. After all, the Reaper is just a gum chewing bubble blower who is trying to sell flowers. Remember to use more cow bell and you will be just fine.
Gemini – May 21 – Jun 20
Hope you have your things together looks like we’re in for nasty weather – there’s a bad moon on the rise. So don’t go around tonight, and you should be able to weather the storm.
Cancer – Jun 21 – July 22
When you believe in things you don’t understand, then you suffer. Cleanliness is next to Godliness, so wash your face and hands.
Leo – July 23 – Aug 22
If you hear him howling around your kitchen door, you better not let him in. Even with blue eyes and blue jeans, he will lay your soul to waste. Make sure to be courteous while keeping the door closed.
Virgo – Aug 23 – Sep 22
It is the hit of the land, but by midweek, you’ll be troubled by just one thing. Put your records on, get involved in a mash up and let your hair down, and there will be no reason to picket.
Horrorscope is a parody meant for entertainment only. “The Globe” denies any resemblance to anything living or dead. If the dead are after you, refer to the CDC Zombie survival guide.